


i've lost my mind, from thinking about you all the time

by girlwritesmalum (writing_our_legacy)



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: (nothing serious just a plot device), Amnesia, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Mutual Pining, Soulmate-ish AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-27
Updated: 2020-12-12
Packaged: 2021-02-18 17:00:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,218
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21580978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/writing_our_legacy/pseuds/girlwritesmalum
Summary: Ashton just started coughing up flower petals, but he knows this has to do with Calum somehow.
Relationships: Calum Hood/Ashton Irwin
Comments: 7
Kudos: 26





	1. Day Zero

**Author's Note:**

> title is (kinda) from [this ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kMsEwMnOKpc) song by waterparks.
> 
> hope you enjoy ♥

_You make it easier to breathe._

  


That was all Ashton could think as he listened to Calum talk to Michael and Luke in the next room. He thought it was ironic, considering the flowers Calum made appear in his throat. 

First, it was the soft, light, white petals shaped like wings. When they started, he of course looked them up. Those were angelica, _“true and pure intention.”_ He couldn’t figure whose intention though. Next came the light and dark pink ones- these were azaleas, like in the front of the hotel they were at last week. They teased him with the _“first love and fragility”_ meaning. The flowers did not appreciate irony as much as Ashton did, apparently. They were the only flowers that had come to make him suffer so far.

He stopped his thoughts there as the talking stopped and there was some creaking as the folding door to the back of the tour bus was being opened. He held his breath.

_Please please please don’t be-_

“Ashton?” _It was. Shit._

“Yeah, Cal?” 

“Why are you on the nasty ass floor?”

“Geothermal air conditioning.”

“Not gonna act like I know what that is because I don’t. At all.”

“The ground is cold. I’m hot. I receive the cold. I am no longer hot.” Ashton’s voice was muffled by the way he was laying on the floor.

“I assume you’re done then? Because it’s a bit hard to move around back here with you on the floor at the moment.”

“I guess I can move, but only this time. Next time I won’t move without a bribe, Hood.”

“Note taken, now begone thot.”

“Jesus, Cal. You’re starting to sound like Mikey with all those damn meme references.” Calum laughed at that. Ashton’s heart did _not_ skip at the sound at all. Nope.

Ashton got up and moved onto his ridiculously small bed, of course placed directly under the demon himself. The demon _-no he is not projecting-_ being Calum himself. Ashton felt as happy to be there as you could imagine.  


It made hiding the petals harder, because if he coughed at night while everyone was in their bunks, he risked waking up Calum, and the issue that would cause is a little obvious. At least to Ashton and the only other person in the world that knew about the flowers- Michael. Michael only knew because he caught Ashton violently coughing into a trashcan months ago, when this thing with the petals and Calum and the terrible, crippling fear of rejection had just started, and Ashton wasn’t as good at avoiding people when he felt the heaviness in his chest and the sense of impending doom that always precedes the damned flowers. He hears Calum move out of the tiny room.

  


He knows that he needs to do something before this gets out of hand. But unfortunately for him, all of the options on his table include telling Calum. Which means he actually has no options. Which also means he’s back to square one. And true to form, Michael is no help. 

_And speak of the devil, and he will appear, I guess._

Michael walks in, and just knows he’s thinking about it. He joins Ashton on his absolutely not-big-enough-for-two-six-foot-men-to-share bed, and opens his mouth. And so he begins.

“Just tell him Ash, we can deal with the outcome later!”

“Not in this fucking lifetime, Mike. Probably not until someone puts a gun to my head and tells me to admit it. Even then I’d probably hesitate.”

“Okay, feeling dramatic today, are we?”

“Anything _useful_ to add to the situation, Michael? If you tell me to tell him one more time I might actually lose my fucking mind.”

Ashton started to feel the now familiar weight in his chest.

“Michael, could you get me a trashcan or something? I can feel it.”

Michael handed Ashton a garbage bag just as he started to cough. There were the ridiculously familiar petals, then there was something else. There were these weird pink and red flowers with little white patches on their bottom. 

_Great, another flower to look up and be mocked by._

It was a good ten minutes before he stopped coughing up the damn petals, and another five before he stopped coughing altogether. He grabbed the bag of petals and went to shove it to the bottom of the trashcan in the bus, trying to be as casual as possible. But god and anime were apparently _not_ on his side, as when he had just finished hiding the bag at the bottom of the trash, Calum appeared behind him.

“Hey Ash, are you alright?”

“Yeah, why?”

“I’ve heard you digging in the trash for a hot minute.”

Ashton was admittedly _not_ good at coming up with excuses on the spot.

“I lost my headphones, and thought I might as well check the trash just to be sure, y’know?”

“Makes sense. Good luck finding them then, Ash.”

“Thanks, Cal.”

Ashton could not believe that shit had worked. He took a deep breath and headed back to where Michael was, on his phone. He had one of the flowers on his lap, presumably looking up the meaning.

“They’re bleeding heart flowers. _“Wearing your heart on your sleeve and pouring your heart out for all to see.”_ The flowers are telling you something, Ash. And I think it’s the same damn thing I’ve been telling you.”

“First you, now the damn flowers are telling me to do something that will ultimately end in Calum hating me and me dying.” Michael’s eyes softened at that.

“Ash, you know that would never happen. Calum would never hate you, and you’re not going to die on my goddamn watch, so don’t worry about that. You know Calum better than that, don’t you?”

“I don’t know a damn thing anymore, Mike. Because now I have these fucking flowers, and these feelings for him, and this terrible overhanging fear of rejection that I’ve never had about anything before. It feels like a shadow that just suffocates you and follows you with more intent to crush your dreams.”

“I know, and it fucking sucks, but you know he would never. He’s your best fucking friend, and he will always be. It doesn’t matter what you do or what happens between you. He will always support you. And you damn well know it. But because I’m also your best friend and love you, I’m gonna back off for a bit- give you some time to think and gather your thoughts. But I’m also gonna give you a deadline. A week to tell him or I take it into my hands.”

“Mike, please.”

“That’s my final verdict. Now take a nap.”

Michael got out of Ashton’s bed and dragged a blanket over him as he left, and Ashton begrudgingly took a nap. He wakes up what seems to be hours later to Calum and Luke having some sort of dispute. Straining to listen, he could make out some of it.

“-Luke, I can’t do that.”

“Well why the fuck not?”

“You fucking damn well know why. You know it would absolutely not go well and it would kill me to know he doesn’t like me back.”

“Well how do you know unless you say something?”

“Because why the fuck would he like me? I don’t have much going for me, Luke.”

“What the actual fuck are you talking about, Cal? You’re funny, you’re sweet, you’re amazingly kind, and anyone would be lucky to have you. Stop putting yourself down, I won’t have any of those lies spoken in my home.”

“We’re on a fucking tour bus.”

“And? It’s still my home, technically. But seriously Cal, you have to try to know. Do it within the week, before we go on break. Not like you two would separate for the break, anyways.” Ashton could _hear_ Luke rolling his eyes.

But then, Ashton realized they were talking about him and absolutely _lost it_ internally.

_What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck is this a joke? It doesn’t sound like one oh fuck oh shit is this real? Am I really awake right now? Oh god Michael was right I’m never gonna live this down, damn._

“Just trust me when I tell you that it will work out, Cal. You have a huge chance of getting out of this situation without getting hurt, I promise you.”

“I guess I can try.”

“Now that’s the spirit!”

Ashton then heard the volume of the television go up, and he assumed the conversation was over. He needed a minute to process this. Maybe an hour, preferably a whole ass week. That’s exactly what he had, too. A whole week to process this before he and Calum both had to deal with it face to face. Now he unfortunately had to tell Michael he was right, figure himself out, and then tell Calum, in that order.

_Well this week is gonna fucking suck for me._


	2. Day One

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have a playlist for this fic that you can find [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/7tFvQP1gk4cK1hfnptv9vO?si=URafsx_RS5GgjYGlymJbEg). It's not really complete, but it has something. ☺

At this point, all Ashton could do was try to rationalize what happened yesterday, and go through it in steps. Step one was _not_ something he was looking forward to.

“Well fuck. How am I supposed to tell Michael he was right without losing all of my dignity?” 

“Tell Michael what, Ash?” _Luke. Fuck me._

“Uh-hm- That I lost the shirt I borrowed from him.”

_Real fucking smooth, Ash. Act a little more conspicuous, why don’t you?_

“Well, which one? Maybe I could help you look for it!”

_Motherfucking Luke being actually helpful and shit, goddamn it._

“No thanks, Luke. But thanks for asking- I think I’ve got it.”

“No problem, Ash. Good luck finding it!”

_My god, could that have been a closer call? Well, yes. But let’s not dwell on nightmare scenarios._

“Finding what?” Luke threw Ashton a “well shit” kind of look as he walked out of the small room.

“Well I ‘lost one of your shirts,’ Mikey.”

“Okay, no problem, we’ll find it eventually, right?”

Ashton waited until he heard the t.v. in the other room get turned on and heard Calum talking to Luke before he turned to Michael.

“Michael, god-fucking-damn-it you were right.”

“About what this time?” He had such a ridiculous smirk that Ashton wanted to slap him.

“Calum likes me too.” Ash covered his face with his hands in exasperation as he said it.

“I knew it! But what’s the problem?”

“He’s scared too. I don’t want to fuck this up and hurt him, Mikey. That would absolutely _kill me_ inside.”

“Ash, I know you would never hurt him on purpose. If it’s a misunderstanding or an accident, it is what it is and you’ll handle it like adults.” Ashton felt a cloud of foreshadowing fall over him. Then he thought he felt a regular cough coming on. So he coughed. 

He _immediately_ regretted that decision. A cloud of petals burst from his mouth like he was vaping or some shit like that. White and pink now littered the floor of the bunk room. He and Michael shared a similarly shocked and panicked look. Ashton let out one last cough, and a new flower joined the white and pink already on the floor. They were cherry blossoms, _“new beginnings and new romance.”_

“What the fuck…” _No no no no no fuck!_

“We can explain, just give us a second, okay? Let us clean this up, alright?” Ashton heard footsteps get farther away as he stared at the floor and started panicking.

_He had never wanted to shrivel up and turn into a rock as much as he did now. What was he supposed to do? How the fuck could he explain this? “Yeah, sorry, I’m just in love with someone and won’t admit it so I just cough these up once in a while, it’s not a big deal.” No fucking way. And he was in no way, shape, or form ready to tell anyone else other than Michael that he was undoubtedly, irreversibly, and deeply in love with Calum Thomas Hood. Especially not the man himself. Well, no matter what, he was in this fucking situation and had to figure it out himself._

“What the fuck am I supposed to do now, Michael? I am not telling him what this means. No way on this godforsaken earth.”

“Maybe this could help you tell him, Ash.” Michael was speaking so softly now, like if he spoke a little too loud, Ashton would shatter into a million irreparable pieces. He felt like he would, too. 

It took them around twenty minutes to clean all the petals from the floor, and another twenty for Ashton to calm down enough that he wouldn’t immediately have a panic attack. He nodded at Michael to call Calum back in.

“Now can I have an explanation of why Ashton had fucking flowers coming out of his mouth?”

“Do you want a simple explanation, or the one that will kill me from embarrassment?” Calum’s glare softened a little at that.

“The simple one’s fine for now, Ash.” Now he was speaking softly, moving to sit next to Ashton. Ashton tensed a little, relaxing a second later as Calum put his arm around him.

“Well, apparently, I have this thing where when I’m in love with someone and it doesn’t get resolved, I cough up flower petals. They all have different meanings, too.” 

“Really? Who is it?”

“Well, I-” Ashton had to pause for a second, and consider the consequences of what he said next. “Well, Cal- it’s you.”

Calum blanched. He looked like he was going to pass out. Then he did. Ashton barely caught him on his way down. Again, he and Michael shared a look of panic and distress.


	3. Night One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whoops! I know I haven't updated this in literal ages but just know- I am alive, and yes college is beating me to death.

Ashton and Michael were staring at each other for a solid five minutes as Ashton still held Calum’s limp body in his grasp. Michael was the first to shake off the shock, and he moved towards Ashton to help him move Calum.

“Ash, let’s put him on my bunk.” Ashton silently nodded and moved to start dragging Calum to Michael’s bed.

It took a few minutes to get him positioned comfortably on the bed, but when they were done, Ashton spoke softly.

“What am I supposed to do now, Mikey? Obviously, that was not a good reaction.”

“How do you know it was a bad reaction, though?”

“Michael, he’s fucking unconscious right now.”

“You might have a point there, Ash. But I cannot confirm nor deny the accuracy of your previous statement.” Ashton smacks the back of his head a little too hard.

“Now is not the time to be doing your Bill Clinton impression, Michael. This is a somewhat-serious situation. Obviously, my only option is to simply act like this never happened, act like he hit his head and had a weird dream. Right?”

“You know I’m going to tell you something you don’t want to hear. You have to face the music, and Calum’s the conductor.”

“Okay-okay-okay maybe, maybe I can work with that, right? Right Michael?” Ashton was starting to sound slightly hysterical, and Michael did not have a current solution for that particular problem.

Ashton was decidedly not going to work with the situation as Michael suggested, he was going to painfully drag it out and dance around it like it was a cockroach on the floor of a city apartment. As he took precisely measured breaths, he let the gears turn in his head. He mentally scrolled through his new, convoluted, terrible plan (Michael had been staring at him in silence for about five minutes now).

“I am going to ignore your advice if it actually kills me!” Ashton said, a little too cheerfully.

“Well, that’s worrying, and very ill-advised, but I can’t stop you, Ash.”

And that was that.

They heard slight rustling from beside them, and turned to look at Calum.

“Hey Cal, how’re you feeling?”

“Did I fall, Mikey? Head hurts like a bitch.”

Sparing a quick glance at Ashton, Michael said, “Something like that bud. You remember anything from before you fell?”

“Not really? I think I was coming to get something from my bunk and you and Ash were talking in here. That’s it.”

Silently celebrating his best friend (and soulmate’s) small bout of amnesia (and feeling bad about it, of course), Ashton thanked every religion’s incarnation of God and then some. Deciding to be a bit more useful, he excused himself and went to grab Cal a bottle of water. Coming back, he saw Michael and Calum chatting. He walked himself between the two of them and plopped onto the floor. He reached over to hand Calum the water; Calum nodded his thanks.

“So what were you guys talking about, anyway?”

“If ‘daytime fireworks’ could be considered actual fireworks, because really, true fireworks aren’t just some colored dust. They’re exploding colored dust.”

“Michael, I’m telling you, a firework is anything that makes a visual display in the sky!”

“Then what, those fucking skywriting planes are fireworks? Huh, smartass?”

Ashton dropped his head into his hands in mock defeat as Calum began laughing.

“You’re both ridiculous, for one- and secondly, I’m on Mikey’s side, Ash. Tons of shit ‘makes a display in the sky’.” He used air quotes for emphasis.

“I can’t believe you’re all band bonding without me. This is a travesty!” Luke proceeded to trip over the two large, obvious obstacles known as Michael and Ashton as he made his way into the bunks.

“We are actually not doing something without you for once. Calum was just unconscious and we were waiting for him to wake up.”

“Okay, mood.” Ashton rolled his eyes at Luke’s ridiculous reaction.

“We are MILLENIALS, Luke, act like it.” Of course, Michael needed to add his sarcastic two cents in.

“Michael, I think it’s time for you to go visit your friends.” Ashton directed.

“What friends? My friends are right here?”

“Your friends consisting of the clothes in the cabinet, of which I am going to forcibly lock you in for being a dumbass.”

“Excuse me, I am NOT going back in the closet.”

“Michael this is not about you and your repressed bisexuality. This is about your horrible attempts at meme references.”

Michael made a face that mostly resembled an angry cat that was about to sneeze.

“That is an unfair assessment to make Ashton, and you should be nicer to someone who has the chance to suffocate you in your sleep,” Michael said smugly.

“If anyone’s suffocating anyone, it’s gonna be me suffocating you, Michael. That damn snoring is ridiculous some nights.” Luke interjected.

Michael was at a loss. He accepted that most likely he would be killed by Luke, even if he couldn’t help the snoring. Ashton and Calum were laughing hysterically at Michael’s expense.

“It’s not that funny guys.” Michael pouted.

“It is when it’s you getting made fun of and threatened.”

“Ash, I will personally shit your pants.”

“Don’t be fucking gross, Mike.” Ashton whacked Michael with a pillow from one of the bunks.

“Y’all know it’s like 10pm and we have shit to do tomorrow, right?” Calum said.

Everyone had a look of “oh fuck” on their faces, and decided to get ready for bed or relaxing, or whatever they chose to do.


End file.
